Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Never Grow Up - Taylor Swift Lyrics

So.... no photos today, just words (and the above song) The greatest thing I have learned in life is that it is DANG hard being a mother. It is even harder to be a mother with a split family that is 1000 miles away. They say there are no such thing as "no regrets" but come on people.....we KNOW we ALL have regrets. They also say "don't look back".....come on people...if we didn't look back we wouldn't know our regrets and the consequences they bring. I have learned that raising a teenage daughter and a toddler is hard work also! It brings me so much joy to hear them both laughing and having fun together..... they are, in my eyes, priceless angels and I feel so blessed to be called mommy by them.

I have found myself in a deep dark pit for many years now....knowing that one day it would be inevitable that Madisyn may or may not want to go live with her dad. Do I think it is a bad idea.... NO, I let her go and I am glad she is happy!! (I really am), however, her presence not being here has left a huge hole in my heart that no one can repair.....only I can, or God....(hey God, if you are listening, I would like to have my daughter home). Maybe I'm praying the wrong way, or hoping for too much. The days before she left I should have been doing everything under the sun with her.... but I wasn't, I was in bed, covers over my head crying and hiding from the world. Do I still have days like that even though it has been 8 mos? You bet. I'm most certain my dear husband thinks I am a nutcase.... and I know most of you may be thinking that now. It truly is grieving like I've lost a child forever, even though I know this is temporary. It doesn't ease the pain..... it just doesn't. I do wish I could rewind the story of my life, or just hit delete and start all over again. Some of the chapters in my book are extremely- overwhelmingly happy chapters, but there are also some deep dark chapters that I don't wish on any mother. I know that ONLY I, can write my story from here on out. There are many days I've tried to start a new happy chapter...but I just feel so incomplete that I want to rip out that chapter as if was never written also!

Yes...Yes... I've read every book on the market.....I've tried to do all the motherly things I am supposed to be doing even though she's still afar. I spend all my waking moments with Lyza because she is one precious jewel and I know far to well that this stage and age doesn't last long. Going back to work will help tremendously...it will occupy my time and my brain will not be on overload. Life dishes out some pretty hard things at us........ but as said "If God brings you to it, HE will see you through it". Seriously if it hadn't been for my dear husband, Lyza, my family (especially Trish), and a few close friends, I would still be in the looney bin...... they are always an outlet for me when I need to vent or are having one of those days. So to each of you, I hope YOU also have an outlet and someone you can talk openly with..... I'd be lost without such people. Life just doesn't go on overload because of the precious children we created or that God willingly hand picked for us...... marriage is hard, friendships are hard, working is hard, balancing everything that Mothers do is just overwhelmingly HARD! It truly is a case of "it's how you handle" the hardship that has been thrown your way..... it isn't always easy to pick ourselves up, dust off the hardship and keep going on. It takes courage, strength, perseverence and Faith. As stated "Walk by Faith....not by sight"

I will keep trying to push through the bad days.....in the meantime I will just say, I wish they never had to grow up....and sometimes myself I wish I'd never grown up!

Blessings ~~

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