Monday, February 21, 2011

Tales from a worn out Mama, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, etc!

So today I am in that "place of no return", it seems. I have been bawling my head off since 9 pm last night. As most of you know, I had to take Madisyn back to the airport today and won't see her again until April. Don't say you know how I feel.....I don't wish this pain on anyone. It is a gut-wrenching, punch in the stomach, slap in the face feeling. Life is hard, Life is tough, Life throws lots of curve balls and Life just isn't fair sometimes. The ONLY things I have to hold onto are my Faith, Family and Friends.....and truthfully, not a one of them can really grasp what I am going through and feel inside except God alone himself.
We had a great weekend together, sometimes that makes it even harder to let go, to watch her walk down the terminal with her back to me....with only a glance backwards to see if I am still watching, and I always am. Lots of music Lyrics get me by...they help me to feel so "not alone" (as the post below). If I didn't have a four year old at home, I would have slept the rest of the day and night.....and then gotten up for work tomorrow to carry on with my life. Sometimes we actually do just need that.
I am a way "over thinker" when I try to lay down. My brain is on overload and I think about WAY to many things at once. What if I had done this or that? What if I had said this or that? What if, What if, What if!!!!!!!!!!!! DANG the What If's! I know that isn't a positive or encouraging way to look at it, but it's life and feelings are real. I don't think God expects us to have complete and utter control over our feelings at all times, as do I not think my family and friends expect that of me either.
Even though today I lie broken hearted.... tomorrow is a new day. A new day to start fresh and start over. Will the pain still be there,'s always there, always in my heart. Some days are MUCH easier than others. I typically have my very worst days on the day she leaves....which is to be expected. I have my very best days on the day she arrives. I guess you take the good with the bad and play with the cards you are dealt.
I know the pain and sorrow on this Earth are temporary..... I am a "live in the moment" person....I'm sporadic, spacey, not content most of the time, wishy washy, mouthy, say to much of what I'm thinking out loud instead of keeping it in my head where I am thinking of it. That's just me..... take me or leave me. I'm working on those adjustments....they take time....but I really have come pretty far. Ask anyone who knows me well! ;-)
Now I am back to "Bust my Buffers" (Thomas the Train) with a certain special 4 year old who needs her mama not to be a sappy, crying, mess of a girl!

1 comment:

Spudsnsalsa said...

Well meet your generation older clone!! My husband told me once that he wished he could just find the off switch for my brain so I could sleep peacefully at night...I do too. But the joys in life will always come not despair they do come and with more ease as you get past some of life's more rockier patches. Spontaneity is the part of your mothering that the girls will most remember and cherish so love it and embrace it! Really, how much do we remember of our own Mom's mundane routine??? Nope, it's the mid-night runs to 7 Eleven for slurpies and coloring pencils that we remember fondly...not the weekly grocery store visits!! {{{{{hugs}}}}} from a virtual friend.