Thoughts for Thursday - Beware! ;-)

BEFORE

After and Happy

I pondered, wondered, and stressed over what I would say in this post. I knew it was a long time coming, and I know that I will not get any of this out without many tears flowing! (I'm already crying and only got through two sentences). I know in recent posts where I mentioned I was going through tough times, many of you assumed it was Madisyn, when in reality.....she was probably the least of my worries, though a huge worry to a mama, but yet not on the top of the priority list. After all, how could I be a mother, when I couldn't even take care of myself or my husband?

Yes...most of this self destruction started over the summer when she informed me her father was not sending her home after her summer visitation. I knew this was coming. You see, when she leaves for her summer visitation I turn into this freakishly paranoid crazy mother who thinks the worst. There is good reason behind this from when she was a small child that I will not go in to.....and then finally the last two years I let her go for her full 6 weeks....where much bribing was done to get her to stay. I knew her going into high school would be one of these drag out, knock out, all war fights. After all....I have raised her for 14 yrs.....

So....he got a lawyer just a week before she was to return home and filed an emergency custody reversal. What possibly could they get me on as an unfit mother. Nothing. So Chris and I load up in record time, make the trek to Pennsylvania and go to "fetch" her! I had to put my lawyer on tab, find hotels to stay in and once again, appear in court to get my daughter back. After a few hours of our lawyers and the Judge Mastrate having a meeting.....we entered the courtroom, where I asked she not be present (Our adult problems are OURS, not hers)....and when it was time for me to take the stand her father dropped all charges. You say WONDERFUL....not so much. It was a long drive back to Indiana.....and when we arrived home, he filed here. He didn't have much to get me on. Madisyn is a very bright, smart girl with many, many wonderful friends. She is a straight A student and excels in all sports. She has a very bright future, no matter where she is at. She had her reasons for wanting to go, she wanted to know what life was like there, she wanted to get away from our rules.....she wanted to get away from the problems I was having (and who could blame her) however, I wasn't going to go down without a fight......and THOUSANDS of dollars in lawyer fees that we still cannot figure out how to pay! Our first court date they set an all day hearing with a mediator for Madisyn. This hearing was just before Thanksgiving, so it would start her at her current high school....after a summer of conditioning for sports. This appeased me because I already had ALL my paperwork, witnesses lined up and I knew she would not want to leave the H.S. after she was settled in.

In the end...I did not want her to go through mediation, hear all the bashing, slashing and then some. I want as a mother to protect her as much as possible......and still do from far away, yes....she is in Pennsylvania. Her father is to undergo a liver transplant soon and I NEVER wanted the words "HE IS GONE, AND YOU DIDN'T LET ME GO" to be said to me from her.

The day I had to let her go was by far, the WORST day of my life. It nearly killed me.....matter of fact, I wanted to die. Even though I had a husband, Lyza, parents, nieces, nephews, mother, father, grandfather, in laws to live for.....none of that mattered at that time, I WANTED to die. I hid under the covers of my bed for I don't know how long......Thank God for my husband to help with Lyza. Had it not been for the support of MY family, I wouldn't have made it. Really. I felt like I had raised this child for 14 years.....and everything I had accomplished was down the drain. What a DRAINING, DEPRESSING summer. Which leads next to just why I am better.

I got help. The one thing in all this depression I turned to was Prescription Medication. You name it, I was on it and abusing it! A LOT! During Madisyn's first visit home the beginning of Nov. was ok....not great....but ok. I knew I needed to lay off some, but as a mother...I wanted to gain her love more than anything and could just not understand how/why she would choose to leave. Her friends love it here....(they still come here and hang out even though she is not!).....When we picked her up I cried tears of joy to see her.......When she left, I cried all the way back from Louisville. I had already made plans and an appt to check into rehab, and I decided on the way home to go straight there. Chris made a pit stop, got my belongings and I went. Scared as hell, but I went. The first few days were a blur....I had to take my medications to turn in and when Chris was in the back getting my luggage.....~~~ you bet~~~~ I downed them all!!! I remember sleeping the first few days.....After that I started on my 6 am - 10:30 pm solid routine!!! NONSTOP activities. They regulated all my medications to get me clean...and substitued with non-narcotics so that the addiction didn't repeat itself. During those several weeks at Brentwood Meadows I met some of the nicest staff and friends (all in for different things from hardcore stuff, to alcoholism)....counselors were wonderful, meetings were great. They taught me to really dig back to where this pattern began, and it actually was not with Madisyn, that was just the icing on the cake. I laughed more than I had ever laughed before, I got in with a small group of friends and we'd play games, karaoke, exercise....and again LAUGH, which I hadn't done in a long time. It was a HARD process. Thank God Lyza is little enough to know that she did not have to have thanksgiving with her mama in a rehab center. I was a pro at the arts and crafts

:-)........ It was a hard learning lesson with hard lessons and a lot of digging deep, which I didn't want to do, but glad I did. Going back 35 years takes a lot of time and a lot of soul searching and digging. Finding out WHO your REALLY are is a lifelong process....it didn't just stop once I walked out those doors back into reality. I actually came home with more non-narcotic medications than I went in with. You know what I did with them? I threw them away.....all of them. ALL OF THEM. Friday will be my 2 month clean date!

Friends, just know if it can happen to me, it can happen to you! Don't let it...or if you are headed down that path, get help now. You WILL be a different and HAPPY person. My walk in Faith and Christ is unreal now. It is hard to look back and see the old me, but it is great to see how far I have come. Just look at the beginning of this blog in the before and after pictures. See a difference??? I see a huge one.......and when I look in the mirror now, I see a girl that I like. I see a girl who has done good works and will continue to. I no longer see a failure, a homewrecker, someone that I don't like. I see someone full of life and laughter who loves her children and loves to see them excel, no matter where they are. I enjoy every single day at home with Lyza....she is THE FUNNIEST child I know....and my husband is the most wonderful man in the world. I love them all dearly....and can't imagine my life without them.

PART OF ADDICTION- THE BELIEF THAT ONE IS REALLY ABLE TO OVERCOME IT.

YOU WILL ALWAYS CARRY PAIN, ANGER AND PERHAPS HATRED.

IT IS UP TO YOU TO FORGIVE THESE PEOPLE.

PEOPLE WHO RISE TO THE TOP SELDOM GET THERE ALONE.

THEY SEEK HELP.

Please know that in this process God had opened my heart to forgiveness..... I no longer hold those grudges or am resentful of my past, it got me to where I am today. Hatred, Unforgiveness and letting go of my past are now qualities of the past. Praise the Lord for that!

To those I have hurt, I am deeply sorry. I know there are many in many forms of ways. To err is human, to Forgive is Divine.

! Happy Me !